Dear Jane,
My husband has confessed something about himself that I find really offensive – and it has left me pretty disgusted with him.
His confession came the other week when I was putting together a grocery list for him.
I was listing all the usual stuff – fruit, butter, bread, toilet paper – and realized that I’d run out of tampons, so I threw those on the list too, thinking nothing of it.
But when he read through it before heading to the store, he snorted in disgust and told me blankly that he’d rather not pick up tampons. Could I not just grab them myself when I was next at the store, he asked.
Given that my husband is a 34-year-old man, I didn’t think that such a silly thing as tampons would make him so squeamish.
Dear Jane, My husband has confessed something about himself that I find really offensive – and it has left me pretty disgusted with him.
I said I thought it was a bit immature that he was scared to pick them up, pointing out that he wears a wedding ring, so anyone who saw him would surely assume he was grabbing them for his wife.
But then the truth came tumbling out: He blurted out that it wasn’t about him being embarrassed, rather it’s that periods in general disgust him. He hates the thought of them and went as far as to describe them as ‘his biggest ever turn-off’.
As I stood there staring at him in horror, he went on to say that it ‘grosses him out’ when I’m on my period and that’s why he always avoids having sex at that time of the month.
I’d always assumed the reason he didn’t try it on in bed when I’m on my period is because he was trying to be respectful. Guess not.
In the end, he basically said that he understands periods are unavoidable, that he wants me to be comfortable during that time of the month, but that if I can just keep ‘that stuff’ to myself, he’d be happier.
Then he gave me a kiss and headed out to the store where – surprise! – he did not buy tampons.
There’s something about that whole interaction that has left me with such an icky feeling. Am I married to an immature man child?
He’s carrying on like the conversation never even happened, blissfully ignorant that I’m still in a state of disgust.
So the question now is: Do I bring it up and tell him how I feel, risking a massive fight? Or do I secretly suffer through my periods without ever breathing a word?
From,
Bloody Disaster
Dear Bloody Disaster,
Research suggests that men’s perception of menstruation is very much linked to how they were exposed to it in childhood.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column
Men who grew up around women – mothers, sisters, etc – who normalised having periods, and who talked about them openly rather than trying to hide them, tend to be far more comfortable with the topic.
For those men who don’t fall into this category, it is surprisingly common for them to feel disgust at the idea of menstrual blood.
They often equate it either with blood from an injury, or worse, with faeces.
None of this will make you feel better I’m sure, but it may help you understand that as hurtful as it was to witness your husband’s behavior, his reaction was not as uncommon as you may think.
Ultimately, with frequent communication and a healthy relationship, most men, even the ones who start up feeling disgusted, will end up feeling pretty indifferent to your monthly bleeds.
Communication is key here.
It strikes me that your husband doesn’t have nearly enough knowledge about women’s bodies and how they work. Helping to educate him is your best shot at helping him become more comfortable with you.
Wishing you much luck.
Dear Jane,
Last week, my eight-year-old son came home from school with a black eye and he’s refusing to tell me how he got it.
It’s the first time that he’s ever tried to lie or hide information from me – he’s usually a really open, honest kid, and there’s never been a time before when he has been reluctant to speak about anything with me or his dad.
He’s also not in any way violent or aggressive – so I’d find it hard to believe he’s been getting into fist fights in the playground.
His teachers say they have no idea what happened, that he went for lunch with the rest of the kids, came back and had a huge shiner on his face. When they asked him what happened, he wouldn’t tell them either.
They phoned me to come and get him, and I took him to the doctor for a once-over – asking him repeatedly what had happened.
I assured him that he wouldn’t get into trouble, asked him whether he’d fallen over, walked into something, had a fight with another boy or girl – but he just kept saying he didn’t know.
My mind is going to dark places: I’m worried he’s being badly bullied and is scared to talk about it… or worse, what if he’s gotten into an altercation with an adult who has sworn him to secrecy?!
I don’t know how I can convince him to tell the truth.
I’ve tried a stern approach, a reassuring approach, I’ve even tried bribing him with his favorite snacks and more time on the Xbox.
The last time I asked him about it he burst into tears and it broke my heart. But it also proved to me that there’s something bad going on here than he’s not willing to admit.
Do you think I should take him to a therapist to see if they have any luck?
From,
Tiger Mom
Dear Tiger Mom,
As a fellow parent I know the inclination is always to jump in to try and protect our children from whatever pain they are going through, and particularly these days, when we have to grapple with the modern warzone of social media.
Parenting becomes a full-time job, with many mothers wanting to wrap their children in cotton wool, ensuring they have the most perfect, peaceful childhoods.
I feel your pain and confusion at not knowing what happened, I really do.
But unless your son is displaying any further signs of trauma, not wanting to go to school, for example, or suddenly being moody or insular, I am inclined to tell you to try and let this one go.
Pressuring him to tell you what happened, or dragging him to a therapist to try and force him to share, is unlikely to create better lines of communication between the two of you.
Continue to be present and loving, open to anything he wants to tell you. It may be that he decides to share at a moment when he feels particularly safe, when you are talking about something else entirely.
He may also be worried about how you will react, perhaps assuming that if he reveals an altercation with another kid, you will be on the phone with their parents, or the school, making it all much worse for him.
It’s certainly worth assuring him that you will not get involved in his life, however much the truth may make you want to intervene. That you only want to make sure he’s okay, and advise him if he needs it.
Still then, he may not share, in which case I would urge you to move on.
Our children have a whole life out of our view that has little to do with us. Living that life is part of growing up.
As painful as it is to see our children get hurt, to not have the full picture, you cannot and should not intervene in his school life unless, as I say, his behavior changes radically, or this happens again.
Your role is to be there as a loving advisor rather than an ever-present helicopter parent.
