DEAR CAROLINE: My son broke into two women’s homes and raped them. Can I ever forgive his terrible crimes?

Q I am in hell. My eldest son, aged 32, has just been jailed for 18 years for breaking into the homes of two women and raping them. I am appalled by what he has done and feel I must somehow be to blame.

My sons did not have an easy childhood. I divorced my husband when they were ten and three. My ex had become addicted to gambling and, when I found out, it led to violence and deceit. Their dad kept in contact with our sons at first but that tailed off when he remarried and had more children. I avoided new relationships because I saw how upset our sons were when their dad remarried. 

Then, at 16 or 17, my eldest started using cannabis. I tried to help but he rejected my support and later started taking cocaine and other drugs. He became increasingly angry and frightening in his behaviour. Eventually he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. He was often in and out of prison for low-level crimes but never anything like rape. Now his letters from prison are scared and needy. He wants me to keep writing to him but I don’t know if I can forgive him for wrecking those women’s lives. Friends and some family members are awkward when I see them and I feel so isolated.

A Your long letter really moved me. I have thought about whether I could ever forgive a child of mine for such abhorrent crimes and, the truth is, I don’t know. It would not be fair for anyone to judge you unless they have walked in your shoes. However, while being appalled at what he has done, I can also feel sympathy for the little boy your son once was. What I do know is that his crimes are not your fault. 

It is easy to see the events that led to his decline. You refer to your ex-husband’s gambling and violence, and his later neglect. So, although you were a loving and supportive mother, your son felt abandoned by his father. To fill this emptiness, he turned to drugs in his vulnerable teenage years. Unfortunately, what many teenagers don’t realise when they first take drugs is that their use can be linked to developing severe mental health problems. Then they turn to more drugs to cope with the depression and/or anxiety. So the drugs are the cause of how your son came to be in this awful place in his life. 

You ask if you should keep writing to him. Again, there is no right or wrong, but I’m sure that you still feel love, and grief, for the son he was. So you might feel worse if you stop writing. However, you need support to deal with this, to rebuild your life and reforge links with friends and family – and, hopefully, have a relationship. So please contact the Prisoners’ Families Helpline (0808 808 2003) and Rethink Mental Illness (rethink.org).  

I FANTASISE THAT HE’LL LEAVE HIS PARTNER FOR ME

Q I am a single woman in my early 40s. I’ve had some longer-term relationships but none that turned into anything more. Recently, a slightly older colleague has started inviting me to join him and his friends on nights out. We get on well and I am attracted to him. He’s divorced and in another relationship, and I think his partner would also be there. I’ve claimed to be busy so far, but I wonder if I should go along. I can’t help thinking he might be attracted to me, too. I fantasise that he’ll realise he likes me more than his partner, that they’ll split up and he’ll ask me out instead. It would be nice to meet more people, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

A I wonder if, because you are perhaps lonely and like him so much, you may be reading too much into this. He could just be being kind. Depending on how much you have confided in him, he may sense that you are feeling a bit low and think that you would get on with his friends. 

Alternatively, he might be attracted to you but that doesn’t mean that he is planning to do anything about it. Even if he was, do you really want to split up his relationship? Go along, by all means – it never hurts to widen your social circle – but don’t go with your hopes pinned on him. Even if something started between you, he still might not end his current relationship and you could waste years waiting. If you go, keep a tight rein on your alcohol consumption so that you don’t end up drunkenly confessing your feelings. But also broaden your social life in other ways and look for a relationship with someone who isn’t in one.