Topsy-turvy times: a Labour party kneeing old-age pensioners in the soft parts and Conservatives tremulous-voiced, one almost weeping, as they spoke up for oldies.
While the Tories made the case for winter fuel payments, explaining how cold weather can kill, you could see Labour’s new MPs think, ‘Dang, I wish I could say that‘.
But when it came to the division, most of them supported Rachel Reeves‘s cut. They’ve been blooded now. Smudged at the gralloch with the raw viscera of politics. And every one of their constituents will now be able to see how they voted.
Shadow pensions secretary Mel Stride flew into a prolonged tirade about the ‘hypocrisy of a Labour party that in the election campaign promised not to cut fuel payments’
Labour whips prowled, Chris Elmore lurking at one of the side doors while his backbenchers spoke. Shades of a secret policeman eavesdropping at a Leningrad bus stop.
The chief whip, Sir Alan Campbell, pumped out his tummy and stood by the double doors, lifting his fingertips to his nostrils. The musky smell of power.
The presence of these whips served as a reminder – a deft touch of menace – to any of the new sheep thinking of rebelling against a statutory instrument entitled ‘Social Fund Winter Fuel Payments 2024’.
The House was full for this tempestuous 90-minute debate. Labour’s newbies sat in pools of hand-wringing worry. A few put on shows of defiance – Sean Woodcock (Banbury) was pulling all sorts of odd, scornful faces at Tory speeches – but most of them looked wretched, liquid in their guts. They hadn’t expected to face such a dilemma as this so soon.
Luke Akehurst, a party official who was found the safe seat of North Durham, scowled. Canterbury’s Rosie Duffield nodded while Tories attacked the fuel-payments cut. John McDonnell (Ind, Hayes & Harlington) stared at the floor. Sam Carling (Lab, NW Cambs), aged 22, looked stunned, confused, lost. Mummy, help! Mr Carling’s wonky hairdo sagged to one side like a collapsing egg mousse.
Dame Meg Hillier (Lab, Hackney South & Shoreditch) tried to defend the Government. Dreadnought Meg soon hit heavy seas and her upper guns struggled to find their targets. At one point she seemed to refer to Ms Reeves and the pensions secretary Liz Kendall as ‘the Misery Sisters’.
A Tory asked how Dame Meg squared her talk of the Government being short of funds with Sir Keir Starmer‘s mega pay-rises for train drivers. ‘I could talk for ever about these challenges,’ answered the dame, to laughter, as she sank from view. When she finished her speech she looked at a neighbour and pulled a face that said ‘jeepers, that was rough’.
The revelation on the Tory side was shadow pensions secretary Mel Stride. He was the mouse that roared. Uncle Melvyn, normally the dullest of voles, flew into a marvellous, prolonged tirade about the ‘hypocrisy of a Labour party that in the election campaign promised not to cut fuel payments’.
Tory backbenchers beamed with amazement at their man’s transformation from meek Mel into Super Stride. It was as if Popeye’s accountant had taken a gulp of that magic spinach.
Deirdre Costigan (Lab, Ealing Southall) intervened on him, yelling and shrieking and flailing her head. White-coated orderlies for Sister Costigan, please, at the double. Sir Edward Leigh (Con, Gainsborough) thought the fuel-payments cut was ‘a punishment beating’ doled out by Ms Reeves to create an exaggerated sense of economic crisis.
Up popped Esther McVey (Con, Tatton), voice like Lily Savage. She accused the Government of ‘a cynical political calculation’. Labour MPs dropped their gazes. They were hating every minute of this.
And then came a sally of dramatic, or maybe melodramatic, despair from Neil O’Brien (Con, Harborough), almost sobbing about the plight of his older constituents.
All of this on a day that Sir Keir took himself to the TUC conference in Brighton to speak to those unions he has given a massive bung. Were they grateful? Hardly. He bored them. They felt no warmth for him.
He has given the children their sweeties too early on the journey and they’ll soon be wanting more.
