A packed antenatal class, and a throng of couples are watching an instructor explain the intricacies of nappy changing. Eco-disposable versus reusable? Baby wipes or water? To burp or not to burp?
Some are taking notes. Some look nervous and excited. Some are smirking – and was that a cheeky eye roll, over there in the corner?
For this is no ordinary ante-natal class; none of the women here are pregnant, for one thing. In fact, their child-rearing days are long behind them.
These couples are soon-to-be grandparents, but despite successfully raising their own children years ago, they are back learning the basics of looking after a baby.
And the reason they’re attending ‘parenting 101’ classes? For most of them, it’s at the behest of their children.
Alesia Gridley and her mother Janine Shulnick are keen to work together when the baby arrives
Keen to brush up on their skills – and avoid any clashes along the way over the ‘right’ way to do things – they’ve agreed (or been persuaded) to attend the two-hour long course, costing £20.
Alesia Gridley, 29, from Leigh-on-Sea, Essex, admits it was an awkward conversation when she first mentioned it to her mother, Janine Shulnick, 54.
Alesia and her two brothers are, after-all, living, breathing proof that Janine knows what she’s doing when it comes to baby-rearing. But nevertheless it was important to Alesia that both of them were in synch before the birth of her first child – and Janine’s first grandchild.
‘I didn’t want to offend her, but things have changed a lot since I was born, and I don’t want to end up having to tell Mum she’s doing something in an outdated or unsafe way when the baby’s here – I’d rather we just learn together.’
It is, after-all, not so long ago, that babies were placed on their fronts to sleep (the NHS changed this advice following research into ‘cot death’s or SIDS – sudden infant death syndrome). They were also spoonfed pureed food from four months, whereas nowadays the advice is to breast or bottle fed only up to six months.
Add to that modern advice on ‘demand’ feeding, structured nap times and super-high tech baby monitors, it’s easy to see how some grandmothers might feel they’re walking into a minefield.
And with prohibitive childcare costs, and the fact that few families can survive on one salary nowadays, statistics show 63 per cent of grandparents provide regular childcare, with one in four working families reliant on them.
‘I realised that as a grandparent, there was a lot that I found quite scary, as you are actually looking after someone else’s child.’ explains Beverly Bonora
Physiotherapist Janine is hoping to change her work patterns, so she can help Alesia with childcare when she returns to work part-time to her job in insurance sales.
‘The thought of leaving my baby with anyone else is a scary prospect,’ says Alesia. ‘But when I do, I need to know that they will look after them the same way that I will be looking after them. And that includes Mum.’
Luckily. mother-of-three, Janine, didn’t take offence at her daughter’s request, but she admits she was a little taken aback at the prospect of being told how to look after a baby.
‘It wasn’t something I had imagined having to do,’ admits Janine. ‘I’ve brought up my children, and never went to classes, I just managed, and relied on my mum’s advice to help me.
‘I’ve dealt with nappies, breastfeeding, weaning, sleepless nights, and my children have all survived.
‘When Alesia first told me about the class, I did wonder what I’d learn – but I don’t want there to be conflict between us, so I readily agreed.
‘You hear horror stories about mums and daughters falling out when grandchildren arrive because they want to do things differently, and I didn’t want that for us.
‘I’ve always been quite a practical person, so I understand that recommendations change, so I went into it with an open mind.’
Janine and her husband Paul are-among thousands of grandparents who have enrolled – either willingly or under duress – in the grandparenting classes launched by Francesca Dooley in 2019.
The monthly online courses, which includes baby First Aid and CPR, are fully booked months in advance.
Francesca Dooley, who started the nan-tenatal classes after talking to her own mum Beverly
‘It’s taken off more than we ever thought it would,’ explains Francesca, 40, who started the classes alongside the antenatal and postnatal sessions she already offered for new parents through her company, Happy Parents Happy Baby.
‘The vast majority are excited to get stuck in, there’s an air of excitement with a new baby on the way. There’s been a handful who don’t think they’re going to learn anything, and the odd sarcastic comment. But they usually come around very quickly, especially when they realise the course covers things they actually want to know – and most like being connected with a group of other first-time grandparents
‘Nobody likes to be told they’re doing something “wrong” especially when it comes to raising children, but that isn’t what the course is about – we don’t use the world “wrong” at all. However, lots of things have changed considerably in a generation, so it’s sensible to be clued up on the latest guidelines and technology.
‘We also get a lot of grandfathers who have never changed a nappy – it wasn’t expected of them when they were parents – but now, they want to be more hands-on.’
The grandparenting course was born out of the struggles Francesca’s own mum, Beverly Bonora, 72, faced when looking after her grandchildren.
Beverly, a retired teacher, is mother to Francesca, 40, and Liam, 42, and a grandmother to six, so is well accustomed to looking after children – but admits that after she retired early to look after her oldest two grandchildren, she found it more difficult than she expected.
‘I realised that as a grandparent, there was a lot that I found quite scary,” she explains.
‘Like a lot of new grandparents, I was worried about accidentally doing things the wrong way when trying to help my daughter or daughter-in-law.
‘The technology baffled me. I absolutely could not work the baby monitor with breathing pads and sensors. They didn’t exist when my children were babies in the Eighties, but now, they’re seen as essential. I just couldn’t work it.
‘And I hated baby led weaning [where the baby is given solid foods to hold and nibble from six months rather than being spoonfed pureed foods]. I was really frightened about choking.
‘It’s different with a grandchild – you’re looking after someone else’s child.
‘I was helping Francesca pack up materials for her parenting classes, and I started reading through them, and thought, “I wish someone had given this to me”. I had three friends who were about to become grandparents for the first time, and I suggested Francesca invite them along.
‘They said they got so much out of it and, before long, their friends were asking if they could come to a class, too.’
There’s another vital grandparenting skill included in the classes – one new to this new generation of grandparents: the art of saying ‘no’.
Grandparents are getting older every year in the UK, as women putting off having children until their 30s and beyond. More women than ever are having children in their 40s, too, meaning it’s not uncommon for some grandparents to be well into their 70s when a new grandchild comes along.
Many, however, worry about how to say ‘enough is enough’ without causing offence.
‘Lots of my friends find looking after the grandchildren too much work, but they don’t know how to approach that conversation with their children, so I asked Francesca to include it,’ says Beverly.
‘I think grandparents who are maybe still working, or being asked to do too much, really appreciate advice on how to set boundaries before the baby arrives.’
Even though Janine is a relatively young first-time grandparent, she still found there was a stark difference from when Alesia was born in 1994.
‘I think back to putting Alesia in her cot, covered in blankets with cot bumpers and surrounded with stuffed toys, all considered very dangerous nowadays.
‘I probably would have done the same with my grandchild if I hadn’t learned otherwise .
‘I was shocked to learn that Alesia might be breastfeeding for hours at a time, too. In my day, the baby just had to fit into our schedule and fed at set intervals.’
Yet she and Alesia say the course has brought them closer.
‘I’ve found I actually really enjoyed it,’ says Janine. ‘Alesia and I have had conversations about what it was like for me as a first-time mother that we wouldn’t otherwise have had.
‘I might not be the one who’s teaching her about weaning and car seats, but there’s plenty I can teach her.
‘On the days when she’s overwhelmed and can barely make it out of the house, I’ll be there to help her.
‘When she’s dealing with a baby who won’t sleep, or a toddler who insists on wearing a winter jumper in the height of summer, just like she did, I know I’ll be the calming influence she needs.
‘I’ll be her mum – and no course in the world can take the place of that.’
