‘My husband constantly pestered me for sex. It was unbearable – then it suddenly stopped.
‘It was obvious he was getting it elsewhere, but we’ve never spoken about it. I don’t ask questions when he’s late home and we get on better. It’s an arrangement that suits both of us.’
It’s an unconventional set up, but if you would be prepared to tolerate your partner cheating to save your relationship, then you’ve become ‘tolyamorous’.
Dan Savage, a US columnist and podcaster (Savage Love), has coined the term to describe relationships where one or both partners put up with – or tolerate – the other persons outside sexual or romantic contact.
It’s not an open relationship because the couple have never acknowledged or discussed the infidelity. Instead, one of both turn a blind eye, look the other way and pretend nothing is happening.
Socially, the couple continue to present as monogamous, even though the relationship isn’t.
‘Tolyamoury’ describes relationships where one or both partners tolerate the other’s infidelities
TOLYAMORY IS MORE COMMON THAN YOU THINK
It sounds unsavoury but tolyamory has been around for as long as marriage has. It now just has a catchy name.
This kind of relationship is especially prevalent where there’s already a clear trade: one person has lots of money and power and the other gets to enjoy their privilege and lifestyle…as long as they put up with certain things.
It’s also common in relationships where splitting up doesn’t suit either of you. Why did Hillary Clinton stick with Bill when his infidelity was exposed? Because staying with him helped her political aspirations.
As Dan Savage points out, tolyamory doesn’t necessarily mean one person is being fooled or taken advantage of. There are circumstances where it suits both perfectly.
Relationships and sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) explains that tolyamoury is not the same as an open relationship because the couple have never acknowledged or discussed infidelity
‘I’d rather have him and put up with the cheating than not have him at all.’
Laura is 34 and has been married for eight years.
‘I don’t think I’m beautiful enough for my husband to want just me. He loves me and he loves our kids and I have no doubt we are the things he cares about most in the world. But he’s always loved looking at beautiful, overtly sexy women and I don’t fit that bill.
He’s 36, very good-looking, runs a successful business, travels a lot and women are attracted to him. I kind of knew he might go one step further than just looking when I married him. But I’ve been besotted with him from day one and quite frankly, I’d rather have him and put up with the cheating than not have him at all. I have a wonderful lifestyle, a beautiful house, I don’t want for anything, and my children have all the advantages I wanted for them. It’s a fair trade when you look at it like that.
This is how I feel now, of course. Now I’m used to it. The first time I realised he might be cheating, it broke me. His best mate’s wife tried to warn me. She made a few comments about how men can’t be trusted and how she worries what her husband gets up to when he’s away with mine on a business trip. She’d caught him cheating before. She was watching my face to see how I was reacting. She might as well have come out and said that her husband had told her mine was cheating on me.
Some people might choose to stay because the thought of life without their partner – even if he or she is being unfaithful – is too awful to contemplate (stock image)
I didn’t say much, just nodded and said something like ‘Boys will be boys’ but inside I was dying. The kids were tiny – two and three – and I was vulnerable. Still carrying some baby weight, not looking my best. My husband noticed I was upset on the way home and asked what was wrong. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him and ask him outright if he was up to no good. But I didn’t.
I discussed it with another close friend of mine and she said all the men in our group sleep with other women now and then. It’s the norm. None of the wives call them on it because they know they have it good in every other way.
I don’t think my husband is like the rest of them. I don’t doubt that he truly loves us. I think this is something he’ll do while young and lose interest in when older. It’s a waiting game and, so long as I know I have his heart, it’s one I’m willing to play.’
WHY TOLYAMORY SUITS SOME COUPLES
Sometimes, the positives make the cheating tolerable. It can even improve the relationship. Especially if…
You don’t want sex with your partner and are happy to have that need fulfilled elsewhere. I see it a lot in couples with mismatched libidos. One person wants a lot of sex, the other might not want any sex at all. They didn’t start out that way but have reached this place after a long time together. If you love your partner but don’t want to have sex with them or deny them their pleasure, outsourcing it is one solution to the problem.
You don’t want to lose or compromise your lifestyle or income. Divorce usually means splitting what you have by half – at the very least it means losing some material possessions. If marrying someone with a high income was important to you, living the lifestyle you want might be more important than a spouse being faithful.
You don’t want to upset your children and family. Not wanting to hurt your children is probably the most common reason for tolyamory. Ending a long-term relationship is complicated, messy and heart-breaking. And it’s not just the children whose world crumbles, it’s everyone around you as well. Mutual friends, parents and siblings suffer; grandparents are fearful their access to grandchildren will be compromised, friends worry they’ll have to choose sides. Splitting up with their family can be more painful than splitting up with your partner.
You can’t imagine life without your partner and would rather put up with cheating than live without them. A desperately sad reason to stay, but still preferable to the alternative for some people.
The relationship has morphed into deep friendship and, while you don’t want sex anymore, they do. Older couples sometimes slide into this arrangement without ever condoning or discussing it. You love them enough to not want to deny them something they really enjoy.
WHY IT DESTROYS OTHERS
In the past, it was more often women who were expected to tolerate their husbands’ indiscretions. The closing of the infidelity gap means either gender could now find themselves in this situation.
As you can imagine, tolyamory comes with many downsides.
If can cause emotional distress. If you’re looking the other way because your self-esteem is in shatters and you don’t think you deserve respect from your partner, it’s clearly not a good solution. Ditto if putting up with it makes you feel betrayed, sad and lonely.
There’s an erosion of trust. Trust is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship – and you don’t just need it for sex and love. You need to be able to trust your partner to do the right thing by you, manage shared finances responsibly, be a good parent, behave well with people you love. If you lose trust in one area, it can erode it in others.
There are health risks if your partner isn’t having safe sex.
Resentment and bitterness can build over time. It’s not easy being faithful long-term. Take away morals and consequences and we’d all probably have a lusty fling now and then. What stops us is commitment, our moral code and doing the ‘right thing’ by our partner. Watching your partner have their cake and eat it too, isn’t easy when you’re denying yourself a slice.
- Check out Tracey’s two product ranges, Tracey Cox Edge and Supersex, at lovehoney.co.uk.
